Thursday, May 29, 2008

Sweepless in Seattle

My loyal readers once again get in-depth analysis to answer your difficult questions about baseball. The question for today is, "why are the Red Sox not hitting?". After careful analysis poring over hours of game film, I have found the answer you are looking for. I'm not sure how it happened, but there is an old, underhanded, baseball trick (employed in other sports too) whereby somebody discretely swaps a team's equipment bags during travel to away games. The original equipment is replaced with near replicas of the original, but with subtle changes designed to hinder the performance of the team.

In this case, using cutting edge stop action photography, I have created a close up image of the "altered" baseball bats that were substituted for the Red Sox original equipment. As you can see from the photo below, these replacement bats are near identical to the original equipment, but with very subtle differences. If you look closely, you can see a cane-like handle coming out of one the end of the bat, and a rubber stop at the other end. That's right, these bats are designed specifically for drawing walks, but are good for little else. Only the best hitters would stand a chance of getting a hit with one of these, and even then, a single would be the most you could hope for.
Baseball Bat Cane
Well, sure enough, just look at last night's game. The Red Sox managed only two hits the entire game, both of them mere singles hit by World Series MVP players, Manny Ramirez and Mike Lowell. In contrast to the lack of hitting, the Red Sox were able to draw 6 walks! So, there you have it. Once the Red Sox are back at home, and do not have equipment bags to worry about, the offense will return. You can rest easy about the upcoming away games in Baltimore, I already sent an email to the Red Sox management team alerting them to this situation. I'm sure I'll get a thank you shortly, and they will carefully inspect the equipment upon arrival in Baltimore.

The equipment situation is unfortunate, because Tim Wakefield pitched a tremendous game. After a couple of bad outings, reactionary fans, who judge baseball solely on what happened yesterday, were crying for Wake to be sent off to the bullpen. After last night, they may want to rethink that stance as Wakefield was masterful going 8 innings allowing 5 hits, 1 solo home run, no walks, and 8 strike outs. It is tough to have to take a 1-0 loss on such a well-pitched night!
Tim Wakefield
Tomorrow night, Josh Beckett opens the first game of a three game set against the Orioles. If Sean Casey gets another start in the series, take notice if either he or Kevin Millar reaches first base. The two most talkative players will be chewing the fat like no one's business. Hopefully, Beckett has a good game, and the Sox enjoy their reunion with their true bats!

Last note. Please be sure to tune in tomorrow, for the first ever product giveaway from the Rational Sox Fan! A&E Home Video will be releasing an exciting Red Sox DVD Set called "The Essential Games of Fenway Park". This set includes 6 DVD's containing 6 historic Fenway baseball games, shown in their entirety, along with many special features. The games were chosen by a vote from Red Sox Nation, and they are good ones. This DVD set is set to be released on June 3, so tune in tomorrow for a sneak peak, and a chance to win a copy - just in time for Father's Day!

(The Baseball Bat Cane displayed is an actual cane for purchase at Cane & Unable)
(Tim Wakefield Photo Courtesy of ESPN)


Suldog said...

Here's an early guess, in case you're having some sort of contest to give away the DVD: 29.

What? The question isn't what uniform number did Rod Carew and Henry Finkel have in common? Drat!

Rooster said...

Damn it Sul, now I have to think of a new contest! Arrgh!

Peter N said...

Cane & Unable...classic!!! I just laughed..hey Sul, and thanks to Rooster for correcting me.

Rooster said...

Peter - I did a double take when I read it and went - "hey that does not sound right". It was funny!

Matt said...

Good stuff!

I hope you East Coast fans get to witness some better baseball then we have seen out here.